The Romance Chronicles--I Will Remember You
by Kelsey
Summary: Just post-breakup, Maria wonders about her future, her past, and her decision.


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The Romance Chronicles

Michael/Maria

I Will Remember You

by

Princess McPhee

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Disclaimer: Not mine. Jason Katims, UPN, etc, all not me.

Author's Note: I am in love with Sarah McLachlan's songs, and they're just perfect for the never-ending angst of Roswell's relationship, so I decided to do a piece on it. Thus 'The Romance Chronicles' were born. Each piece is standalone, but they all belong to this series, and are all based around a piece of SM music.

Rating: PG

Summary: Just post-breakup, Maria thinks about her future, her reasons for breaking it off, and wonders what will happen now.

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Maria remembered only having only one thought as she had walked away from Michael in the park, gently placing the flowers he'd gotten her back on his lap. It had echoed gently in her mind, demanding immediate attention.

_How do I live without him?_

It wasn't that she didn't remember living without him, it was that she really and truly wasn't that person anymore. It was that the person she now was, had never lived without his alien support and his odd kind of gruff love. Without _him_.

_Will you come back to me? _he'd asked. She'd answered truthfully that she didn't know. She couldn't imagine a life in which she didn't love Michael, but the alien crap was getting on her nerves. 

And she couldn't help but remember that she hadn't loved Michael, once upon a time.

Long ago.

When she was far enough away that she knew he couldn't see her, she'd turned around and looked at him. Until that moment, she'd viewed the breakup as a temporary solution at best. Without even knowing it, she had assumed that she was simply rebelling, that she would step away from Michael, and then realize that she couldn't live without him.

In that split second, looking back at his slumped, dejected form, she'd wondered if she could really live with a lifetime of aliens and spacecraft and assassins and suspicion. 

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I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories 

As Maria had left the park, wrestling with doubts of all shape and form, she'd found herself calling to mind all of the things that they shared. Trying desperately to put them away and focus on the problem at hand, she had shoved them to the back of her mind, but still, they wouldn't leave her alone. 

They had been little moments, mostly. Their first bickering session, where there'd been more at stake than their pride. That had been the first time they'd spoken, really spoken, anyway, after Maria had learned what Michael was. Then there was the first time they'd kissed, and sparks had exploded. Maria had been kissed before, but there was nothing in the world like Michael's gentle, sure yet somehow uncertain caresses.

Then there'd been that night at his apartment. Gentle, kind, sweet even, Michael had been everything she was sure from the beginning that he'd been concealing. There was nothing left of the brisk face and impenetrable wall he presented to the world when he'd tenderly undressed her and laid them down.

She'd wondered if that was something she wanted to give up, even if it did mean always being on the run, and always wondering who was going to live, and who was going to die.

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Remember the good times that we had?   
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel you warmth upon me   
I wanna be the one

There was nothing about Michael that she wouldn't remember forever, even if she did decide she couldn't give her life to their cause, as Liz had.

Somehow, she doubted that she wouldn't, in the end. Her best friend was the strongest person she'd ever known, and even Liz hadn't been able to keep away from Max, when clearly, it had been in her best interest.

But, Maria reflected, sometimes your best interests in logic clash horribly with your best interests at heart. And could you blame a person if they followed their heart rather than some complex series of probabilities?

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I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories 

Maria remembered wandering the park all that night. She'd never gone near the area where she'd left Michael, torn and broken by her words, so she didn't know how long he had stayed. She'd known that her mother was probably worried sick by then, but she'd switched her cell phone off when she'd gone to talk to Michael, not wanting it to interrupt, and she didn't turn it back on then. The last thing she wanted right then was to deal with her mother's rants.

She had an odd feeling that what she did that night would stay with her a lifetime. That her actions would have consequences far beyond the ordinary that one, lonely night. But good or bad, she couldn't have said.

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I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep   
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

Life was fleeting, she knew. But love... love could last more than a lifetime, and more than all of the time of the world. If her actions ever reached Antar, which Maria had an odd feeling they would, they might go down in history, and become famous, making her love for Michael Guerin both legendary and endless.

She didn't know if she'd ever decide to be with her alien lover again. Though she could handle the insane weirdness of their world, something which she'd discovered from less-than-willing experimentation over the course of the past three years, she wasn't sure if she wanted to. Did she want her life to exist in fame? If she pulled away now, then no one would remember that she had ever dated Michael Guerin in ten years.

No would ever remember that she, Maria Deluca, had been madly in love with an incredibly forbidden man.

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I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories 

Sometimes, she wondered how much a part in this whole mess her love actually played, against her fear. After all, fear was what had kept her, Michael, Liz, Max and the rest of them alive this long, not love. 

_All of them except for Alex, _Maria reflected bitterly.

She loved Michael, she was sure of that, and Liz loved Max, but too much had happened in this short time. She admitted to it, she was scared. Scared of having her heart scarred again, after all that she'd already been through, and scared for her friends, her mother, and her life. If she left Michael behind, she could leave all of that fear behind, too. She could make her life normal again.

Or could she? Love was a powerful force, another piece of knowledge she'd gained from recent experience. Did she really want to mess with it? Maybe, if she really loved Michael, she should just stay with him. Didn't love always solve everything in the romance novels? Maybe love could solve everything for them, too.

Everyone always spoke of how much Maria had changed him, but what they didn't see was how much he had changed her, too. So much of her was lost now. But Maria didn't know if that was for better or for worse, and there really _was_ no way for her to know, except to try and find the person that she used to be, and go from there. 

Yet Michael had opened so many windows for her, wasn't it fair that he get to close a few, too?

How much was too big a price to pay for Michael Guerin's love, devotion, and unconditional admiration?

Maria had no idea, now or then.

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I'm so afraid to love you   
But more afraid to lose   
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose   
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had  
Oh, you gave me light

_I guess I'll just have to see, _she decided. There was really nothing else to do. She couldn't go back to Michael, not without knowing if she was missing something. And she couldn't leave him behind altogether without being sure that she was better off that way. The only thing she could do for now was remember him, and how different her life was with him in it, and decide which one felt right. Because, in the end, all she had was feeling to decide with. 

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I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories 

Maria had finally left the park at a little after midnight when she'd seen Jim Valenti's car rolling around. Her mother had probably called the ex-sheriff, afraid that something was wrong, and Valenti had probably taken it himself rather than call the police, because he'd assumed it would be alien related. 

Unfortunately, Valenti was persistent, and Maria was certain that he wouldn't give up until she was found. She was also sure that she really did not want to see him right now, much less talk to him. And she especially didn't want to try to explain how this wasn't really alien related, just Michael/Maria bumpy-relationship related.

With one last glance back at the park, Maria walked away, heading home quickly with no particular plan, only sure that she would have to be very sure about whatever decision she made, because the wrong one would ruin her life.

She wasn't sure how she came to that conclusion so easily.

She'd just known.

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I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories

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